You just need yourself

There is nothing better than being who you are

I have not written in some time, you might assume I’ve been withholding good material. I am not. I have been occupying myself with menial, unnecessary, unnurturing time spenders because I reached a point where I thought the creative juices have all evaporated. Since the year is coming to an end, I thought it would be such a waste to end it without having written anything on here to my lovely readers. Christmas is physically draining, so I’m writing before it creeps up. Not that it matters because my affairs are practically non-existent this time around. The holidays. Christmas. Thanksgiving. New year’s. Valentines. All futile events that perpetuate capitalism, or meaningful moments to mark big calendars (the kind with sexy shirtless men). Before you assume this is a sappy essay, I assure you that I’m writing this with a sound mind and peaceful soul.

Over the years, during holidays and even valentines, I was never especially bothered that I didn’t have a partner to split a piece of cake with. Not even on birthdays or other anniversary dinners. I just don’t seem to think about what it is I’m missing, or better yet who I’m missing. I think I just…am not missing.

If I could end the year with on revolutionary idea, it will be this:

The most important relationship you will ever have in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. The holidays, and other family targeted occasions, are sweet and sappy, but learn to return to yourself. I always found myself asking questions to get to know others on a deeper, more intimate level. It wasn’t until I directed those questions towards myself that I realized I was capable of fulfilling that hole that keeps needing companionship as opposed to wanting it. When you know how to answer your own questions, you stop seeking validation, attention, and other external feelings to feel complete. You know how to guide yourself, and how to break down any problems you might face. Support is going to come along the way, but learn how to prioritize your own decisions.

I’ve been grappling with my own insecurities and flaws, but I don’t try to drink them down and self-deprecate into oblivion. It’s okay to say you’re terrible at expressing love, or that you are quite selfish, but strive to do better. Each year I tell myself I’ve capped the number of lessons and realizations that life has for me, and not even a week after that ridiculous thought, I’m met with an illegal chess move that throws me off compass. Navigating through life mostly alone has its ups and downs, but if you think you’ll wake up one day with all the answers, then you are delusional.

You can almost hear the silence.

You need to say no, but you also need to know why you are saying no. You need to ask questions, know how to exist even if nobody is existing alongside you. I have my moments, moments that feel somewhat lonely, but to be honest they don’t last very long. Don’t you have a person that you wouldn’t mind just laying down on the sand with, in complete silence and without even touching them, you feel at ease because they simply are there? That is what it’s like when I’m alone.

I hold myself accountable, I feel disappointed in myself for things I’ve said or ways I’ve behaved, I tell myself no and I show up for myself like I would for a friend. I am reminded that my choices and decisions are mine. You need to let your mind be free, don’t be imprisoned to ideals, family, religion or concepts you were born into. Look at them and choose to follow them or dismiss them. Stop letting life’s structure determine yours, create your own structure. Console your own autonomy, ask yourself ‘should I do this?’, it’ll answer. And the more you ask it, the wiser it will become.

I have recently struck up an affair, I don’t know if it’s too soon to call it romantic or not, but it’s an unfamiliar feeling to me. Quite honestly, I found that I had a pattern when it came to being with men. I know my emotions and how they move and how they evolve. I’m familiar with my phases. Recently, however, they seem to have taken an additional step or two that were unaccounted for. My equilibrium is disturbed, but I’m incredibly curious to learn where this new emotion is going, or what it is. It’s terrifying, and if it weren’t for this new security I have within myself, I would’ve ran away from it. But I need to touch the pan with my own hand to make sure it’s really hot. I cannot describe what it is exactly, and sometimes those insecurities tell me to just assume the pan is hot because they’ve always been hot and this one won’t be any different, and yet I cannot do that. I really want to know what this feeling is, even if it ends up disappointing me, at least I’ll have unlocked a new section of my own soul that I didn’t know was capable of such emotion. I’m learning that not all feelings are bad, and that all bad things feel different.

I’m also learning that the unexpected isn’t as scary as it seems. I doubt I’ll have any of my answers soon, I do think cupid plays tricks on us sometimes, but I also know that whether I do end up with this brown-eyed boy or not, I will be okay.

No really. You can hear it.

I also want to overshare just slightly more than I usually do. There’s this feeling of guilt that comes when you like to be alone, and it’s often followed by a drenched doom. I like to be alone, but I often wonder if I ever really chose to like it. Was I so painfully neglected through my childhood that I created a new seperate world for myself? Did I just get dissapointed time and time again by love, friendship, and family that I just forced myself to spend time away in order to heal? I assume yes to both of these questions. When I am met with someone who offers to take some of my load, even if it’s as simple as helping with the bags, I shut it down so violently and instantly. The concept of someone being there for the sake of being there and nothing else isn’t one I am familiar with. So if I walk in, and he stands up to grab the groceries and unpacks them without asking me, I feel myself reverting back to my little 9 year old self. And that makes me warmer than I have ever felt.

There’s something so innocent about unspoken intimacy, and I don’t believe many of us have come across it. So when I’m being irrational, stand-offish, and quick to shut down your advances—it’s fear with a hint of habit. But sometimes, a boy will walk in unexpectedly and open doors for you, and you’ll think “I better run away because he’s doing things right”, it’s very important that you give him a chance. Because even if dissapoints, you’ll always have yourself.